THAT’S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT ART by Craig Abernethy Copyright 2007 Cast of Characters Henry: A Museum Security Guard; a sort of rugged man of average size and weight. He is trustworthy, ardent, and sympathetic. He wears a dark suit, white shirt, and red and blue striped tie. A small silver colored star is pinned through his lapel buttonhole. Katherine: An extraordinarily composed and impeccably dressed early middle-aged woman in expensive casual shoes, slacks and sweater. Her hair, make-up, etc. are perfect are. She carries a tasteful purse and museum program guide. Molly: An enthusiastic young woman in brightly colored canvas shoes, jeans, casual top, and zipper “hoodie” sweatshirt. A “VideoPal” name tag is pinned to her shirt with “Hi, I’m Molly!” spelled out in colored letters. A few stickers including a silver colored star adorn the name tag. She carries a small backpack jammed with personal items, a CD/MP3 player, food, water, etc. Announcer: A Public Address announcer. SETTING: The Principal Gallery of the “Museum of Contemporary Experiences of Modern and Post-Modern Art.” A bare stage save for a small bench (two black boxes) slightly Up Center and three freestanding paintings: “Onion” (Center Left), “Banana” (Up Center), “Paradox” (Center Right). “Onion” is a painting (of sorts) of a brown, red, and purple onion; “Banana” is bright yellow and black; and “Paradox” is a badly painted picture of a green grape. The gallery’s doorway is at Up Left. AT RISE: Lilting violins are heard as the lights come up on the empty gallery. After a moment Henry steps into the doorway and takes in the empty room, and then, as if killing time waiting for someone, begins to walk the four “walls” of the room. When he reaches the Down Right corner Katherine is seen in the doorway. She stands for a moment then Henry sees her, smiles, sheepishly shrugs his shoulders as if to say “Just us folks” and continues on his perimeter walk. Katherine grins slightly, takes a deep breath, and steps into the gallery. She first considers “Onion” and after a few moments walks first Up Stage and pausing at “Banana” then moves toward “Paradox.” Molly is seen at the doorway and moves into the room as Henry walks from Down Right to Down Left and then to just Up Stage of “Onion.” Katherine sits at the bench facing “Banana” and tries to avoid Molly as she tries to make eye contact with Katherine. The music fades. MOLLY (Takes a breath) Do you like her stuff? (Katherine looks to Henry who grins and shrugs as if to say “Well, she seems harmless” and, trying to be polite but not encouraging, looks to Molly) KATHERINE A little. MOLLY Okay… (Katherine, unsure of what to do, stops) MOLLY (Cont) I can’t say I “like” the onion, grim, and way too angry for my kitchen. And pricey! Do you know what her stuff’s going for now that…? Well “rest in peace…” Are you religious? KATHERINE (Surprised but poised) No. Not really. MOLLY Me either, I used to go to church. Do you…? KATHERINE Excuse me, but…? MOLLY Sorry! Crazy huh? Painted all those years and… I mean nobody “got” her stuff, and now “biggest name in Swiss post-realistic still-lifery.” Hungry? KATHERINE No. Thank you. MOLLY No problemo. Now “Banana” I get. Ironic considering I’ve got a banana. Get it? I “get” “Banana” and I’ve “got” a banana! If you get hungry let me know! KATHERINE Thank you. (Turns to face “Onion”) MOLLY Sure. I always pack too much; or maybe I don’t eat enough? Did you see the last show? (Waits) “Fleck Doon-Hooerhooer?” Dutch techno-portraitist? I’m a big fan of Fleck’s. Really loved “Archbishop Desmond Tutu In A Tutu!” (Katherine laughs a little and Henry grins) MOLLY (Cont) You did see it! Totally politically incorrect but, get out funny! KATHERINE (Turns to Molly) Bishop Tutu roared when he saw it. MOLLY Get out! KATHERINE Said it was the “most refreshing” portrait he’d seen. MOLLY No way! KATHERINE Way! MOLLY You have kids! KATHERINE Yes. (Tears up a little and turns away, Henry steps in to offer his handkerchief, Katherine finds hers, seeing this he smiles and steps back) MOLLY Do you have pictures? KATHERINE (To Henry) Pardon me,…? HENRY I know: she goes on some, but she’s okay. KATHERINE You know her? HENRY She’s a regular… “regular.” MOLLY So: the “Onion?” (Katherine looks to Henry who shrugs as if to say “She really knows her art!”) MOLLY (Cont) Really, what’s your take on the late, maybe not so great, Greta Heine von Gerd’s “Onion?” (Waits a moment) Bold color, strong outline, unique position. KATHERINE Not standing impossibly on end or predictably on its side; top sliced off, dried, staring back. MOLLY Doesn’t reek of “I painted an onion!” KATHERINE No. MOLLY More of “this is it.” KATHERINE “I ‘am’ onion.” MOLLY Totally! KATHERINE “And do not bring up peeling ‘the layers’” MOLLY “Spare me ‘the layers!’” A totally no peeling zone! (They share a giggle) MOLLY (Cont) So… do you like it? KATHERINE Ominous. Too “dark.” (Looks at Molly, after a moment smiles, and steps forward with her right hand extended) KATHERINE (Cont) “Katherine.” MOLLY (Walks to Katherine and they shake hands) “Molly.” Hi! KATHERINE Hi, Molly. MOLLY He’s “Henry.” Say “hi” Henry. HENRY (Smiles and nods) Ma’am. KATHERINE Hello Henry. ANNOUNCER “Ladies and Gentlemen, the museum will close in fifteen minutes.” MOLLY You’re sure you’re not hungry? KATHERINE I’m fine, thanks. MOLLY Henry? You hungry? (Henry smiles and shakes his head as if to say “Not right now thanks”) MOLLY (Cont) So how does “Banana” hit you? KATHERINE The painting? Uncommon view… arching rather than leaning or sort of… springing up in a… MOLLY “Sprung” manner? KATHERINE Yes. MOLLY No man would have painted an arching banana. Henry? Do you think a man would paint a banana any way but “up!?” HENRY Always teasing. All I know is I like paintings of horses. Beautiful. Names like “Cobalt” and “Belle of Saint Joe.” Horses… and any fresco by Fra Filippo Lippi. That’s painting. KATHERINE Yes! Amazing touch. MOLLY You’ve been to Italy? KATHERINE Years ago. Wonderful. MOLLY Tell me! KATHERINE Some frescoes are so alive you think a figure will turn and ask you where you’re from or…? HENRY “Where’s the restroom?” (Katherine and Molly share a chuckle) HENRY (Cont) I get that a lot. MOLLY More! Please? KATHERINE Let’s see… they’re alive! That’s about all I can say. They put “life” into their people; breathed a reality into the most sacred of subjects. If you love painting you must go see them. MOLLY That’s what I love about art! (Katherine looks a bit perplexed) MOLLY (Cont) That somebody puts their life into it! Like Greta here: she put all her heart and talent into “Banana.” She’s alive in there! Her view, her “self” is in there. KATHERINE Remarkable. MOLLY Really makes me mad. KATHERINE Why? MOLLY What thanks does she get? She dies, she’s “discovered,” and the dealers clean up! KATHERINE I doubt she painted for money. MOLLY But she did make her mark, huh? KATHERINE I suppose she did. MOLLY I guess every painting’s a mark… a lot of marks, huh? But it’s sad: she steps off the curb and bam(!) “toes up!” KATHERINE That’s not really very funny. MOLLY It’s an expression. I’m sorry… obviously death’s not funny. HENRY Not your top comedy topic, no. Not like marriage or kids: regular joke machines, they are. MOLLY Uh-huh? HENRY I mean, and excuse me for butting in, but there are jokes about what’s “around” death, like funerals, but “death” itself(?)… pretty serious stuff. Still: “it’s always Friday the 13th somewhere!” (Katherine barely contains being stunned) MOLLY “Happy Hour.” “It’s always ‘Happy Hour’ somewhere.” HENRY Sorry. MOLLY It’s like art: a matter of perspective! KATHERINE “Perspective?” Excuse me, I must be… MOLLY Just a minute, please? Please? Thank you. I meant you… “one” could make a joke out of… dropping the casket, but…! (Katherine sits on the bench) MOLLY (Cont) How about a sip of water? I’ve got a water bottle. Brand new. Please? HENRY I’m sure it’s okay, ma’am. KATHERINE Yes, that might be wise. Thank you. MOLLY No problemo! (Reaches into her backpack, takes out a small plastic bottle of water and hands it to Katherine who smiles faintly) MOLLY (Cont) Or one could joke about spilling grandma’s ashes… KATHERINE (Swoons) Huhhh?!?! (Henry steps in, sits alongside Katherine supporting her, takes the water bottle, opens it, and helps her take a sip) MOLLY And that’s not really funny! HENRY Very serious, death. MOLLY And sad. HENRY Must be respectful. MOLLY You sure you’re not hungry? HENRY It might help? KATHERINE I’m feeling a little,… I don’t know…? MOLLY I’ve got the banana… That’s right: you don’t want the banana. (Looking in backpack) Let’s see: Goobers (too much fat), half a Luna Bar (probably stale),… uh, Tums? KATHERINE I think it’s time I… HENRY Let’s just rest for a moment? Maybe the banana’s a good idea. MOLLY Maybe we should change the subject! Uh… Okay: I, uh… work at “VideoPal” on Hayes! And it’s a pretty good place… Hey! I have coupons! It’s three for one week! (Digs through her backpack and takes out the banana and hands it to Henry and then pulls out brightly colored coupons) MOLLY (Cont) Really! Rent any regular price movie and get two additional movies free! Really! It’s a great deal. And, hey, it’s also “Sterling Hayden Week!” Rent any movie featuring or starring Sterling Hayden and get another movie featuring or starring Sterling Hayden and a popcorn free! You sure you don’t want the banana? HENRY It could help. Natural… sweet… healthy…? Please? KATHERINE (Partly out of hunger and to shut them up) Yes, I would like the banana. MOLLY Great! (Katherine winces) HENRY Not so loud, please? MOLLY Oh, sure, sorry. Here. Do you need any help with it? No? Okay. (Katherine peels the banana enough to take a small bite and closes her eyes as its sweet taste and aroma suffuses her with strength; it is as if she has taken a bite of life itself) MOLLY Pretty good, huh? KATHERINE Extraordinary. (She takes a second bite and begins to sit up straightening her back slowly as new energy moves through her) HENRY Are you feeling better ma’am? KATHERINE Yes, remarkably. HENRY You seemed… maybe a little tired when you came in? KATHERINE Did I? HENRY Just my impression. How’s that banana? KATHERINE (Takes a third, and larger, bite and after a couple of chews and with her mouth full) Exquisite! MOLLY Can I pick ‘em? HENRY (Glares at Molly as if to say “Cool it!”) Do you need any more water? (Katherine, still chewing, shakes her head “No”) HENRY (Cont) Because if you do I can always fetch some more. (Katherine stops chewing and looks at Henry) HENRY (Cont) Something wrong ma’am? KATHERINE No. HENRY You’re sure? KATHERINE (Swallows) One doesn’t hear “fetch” very often these days. HENRY I’m sort of old fashioned I guess. KATHERINE (Smiles) Me too. MOLLY (To Henry) Now? HENRY Shhh! KATHERINE Excuse me? HENRY Ma’am? KATHERINE “Now?” What? What is “now…?” HENRY (To Molly) I’d say so, yes. A little early if you ask me but… (To Katherine) Little Miss Shoot-Her-Yap-Off has to shoot-her-yap-off. “Ease into these things?” “Subtle?” Her!? (End of sample) Complete scripts can be obtained by e-mailing Craig here |
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